Why Trauma?

The reason why I write about trauma even while knowing it may turn many of you off is because so many of us don't recognize the traumas we endured (I know many of you expect to be reading masturbatory fodder). As human beings we are all traumatized in modern society. We just accept it as "normal" when normal is a blanket term designed by the very systems that traumatize us and keep us functioning below our consciousness threshold.

How could we identify it during times when our agency was stripped away from us and it's all we knew? How can we identify it when the perpetrators staunchly denied it to be true? 

By showing you how I work through my own traumas, I intend to help you identify the traumas in your life. When we identify the traumas we faced, we are able to take back our own agency in those moments, recover a lost piece of ourselves (or better define who we are aside from the trauma-induced behaviors we thought were a part of us) and become whole- the way we're meant to be. We lose pieces of ourselves to traumas because they in ways, break our spirits into pieces and we give away our power bit by bit. We don't even realize how much of us is missing until we begin to rescue all those pieces.

If we live our lives numbing and being blind to our traumas, we never ever heal.



When I first heard about the "inner child" of course I dismissed it. What is this shit? I had all those associations that you might have as well- I didn't get it.

But listen, it's real. Our traumas in childhood, our emotions from that childhood are kept deep in our Sacral chakras. This can and often does manifest as diseases in the gut or in the sexual organs, in any area that's under the belly button where this chakra is. 

As adults, it's important to not only process and release these emotions/traumas, but it's also important to do the things that fulfill latent desires that you, as a child, wanted but could not have. Our society cripples that childlike wonder and dismisses it- but it's that wonder that should stay with you for life because it operates out of safety- as children you were not scared of things the same way, you had an open mind, you were curious and most importantly, CREATIVE beings.

That all got kicked to the curb as soon as you "grew up" in the way we're "supposed to"

A part of you already knows this- that's why you are drawn to BDSM PLAY because as much as it's a luxury, part of you knows it is a necessity. As adults you still need to engage in play and at least BDSM Play is for adults, but it's still similar to what we did as kids if you strip it of its D/s and sexual components. We dress us, we take on roles, we HAVE FUN. It is excellent for you to not only let go, enjoy, but to process some energetic patterns that hold you back, from childhood.

This is why I bought a snake- I had always wanted one but of course I knew I could never have one. Girls don't have snakes. I don't know if I brought it up to my parents but I assumed the answer would be no- I think my mother had a real hatred of snakes in particular- that part is fuzzy for me. It's important to break out of the norm and do the things for yourself that you now can, because now you are able to.

What would the you do for the child you, if now you could step in and either defend the child when he/she wasn't able to fight for him/herself, or couldn't achieve what he/she wanted? What would you give and what would you do, for little you?

Doing this exercise will empower you subconsciously-- I promise.  


Healing vs. Traumatizing BDSM

I'm seeing more and more practitioners approach BDSM from the healing vantage point and here is my warning to you: make sure you can verify that they either understand the psychological fine lines or are practiced/schooled in the intricacies of BDSM edge play.

It's easy enough for someone to perform a classic scenario- i.e. corporal, humiliation and claim that it's healing- it probably is in some senses, as BDSM can be incredibly cathartic in its most basic forms. HOWEVER, even people who have been a domme for years longer than me don't know when they're crossing over to totally inappropriate (and traumatizing) and I've seen some sessions where people claim it is "cathartic" but really, they caused a negative breakdown by attacking someone's core or by causing irreparable damage to the physical body.

Even something like humiliation has MANY layers of where people can, and cannot hit when humiliating. Most people do not know this. Nor do they know which layers to hit that would be most effective for YOUR psychology.

When choosing a practitioner, make sure you 

1. go with your gut instinct- if something feels off, trust it

2. see how they're approaching BDSM- do they understand the nuances or are they making bold/unfounded/empty claims?

When in session, make sure that their "confidence" whether it is a veneer or if it's just a radical confidence they have all the time, is not the type that obscures their mistakes. Pretending something is ok and convincing you that it is is very dangerous (so is claiming that you can take the place of an another professional if unlicensed- doctor, therapist, etc- but I'm even dubious of licensed professionals as I've had experiences with the most educated prestigious professionals who were traumatizing and didn't do their job- so vet them just as much. Never just trust a fancy piece of paper)

I just took a flogging class with Simone Justice- when my flogger accidentally hit an area that it shouldn't- I apologized to the sub and inquired if things were okay without breaking the scene. She said this is good because I am admitting to my mistakes and demonstrating that I know what is wrong and what is right, which builds and enforces trust. Many carry on hoping you do not notice, or pretend they meant to do that- this is NOT okay in my book. Admitting to mistakes even in the position of dominance is strength. Putting on a veneer of confidence and denying your mistakes is weakness.

It is in your best interest to not submit to someone who does not have a refined skill set nor a refined psychological grasp. This is not a personal attack against anyone new, it is a reminder out of concern for you- even when I first started out I was not taught any of the deeper layers//techniques and in fact, some of my learning now is unlearning what I had thought was my "foundation" in BDSM. It took much learning (and following an obsession- I live and breathe this every single moment I'm conscious through practice, classes, books, meetings!) to understand how deep and nuanced it actually is. 

Never trust bold, unfounded claims. Authenticity reads differently and it feels different too. Choose authenticity always.