It's A Choice

Growing up with very selfish and withholding parents set me up to feel most comfortable with those who were also like them. My whole life I had much of everything taken from me and expected little to nothing in return. This is just the expectation set by people who act as models for your lifetime of encounters until you realize what it is and choose otherwise.

My whole lifetime I gave to others and had little idea of my own needs. I'd never even been asked what they were, nor had the space to think about it. My life revolved around the needs and wants of others until very very recently. I had trouble asking for things too, because I not only expected to not receive what I wanted, but I also had my life threatened on many occasions as a child, for asking for basic things.

By way of universal law, during my own healing process I was taught a very important lesson. When I walked onto a bus coming back to NYC recently, I asked a girl if I could sit next to her. She had one of the only open seats left. She looked at me reluctantly, and said,

"Are there no other seats? I want to lie down,"

The old me would've thought this was fine, normal behavior. I would've thought this girl had all the right in the world to behave this way and thought no less of her. But the me who had replied and dealt with the patterns that were governing my choice in people and the behaviors I accepted from others kept walking. I was appalled. 

The second woman I asked immediately said, "of course!" as if she could not believe the answer could possibly be no. As soon as I sat down, she said, "and if you want to plug in anything, the plugs are by my leg"

As simple as this scenario is, it made me realize that these two people had the same access to seats. The way they treated them was starkly different. This was a reminder that when facing a selfish, withholding person, to literally, keep walking. Someone better is around the corner.

I expected nothing my whole life, and now I know I deserve more. There are good people and there are bad people. It is always a choice. 

If you have negative attitudes about people, figure out what you're attracting and why you agree to this pattern. 



When I studied film for my MA, my interest wasn't entirely film. I couldn't tell anyone this secret because as the recipient of multiple grants and scholarships for academic achievement, I had to pretend that I really wanted to study film. Truthfully what grabbed me since I was young was that film was exposing of the auteur's psychology. Not only was it revealing of the inner workings of the auteur's mind, but it also showed his/her fantasies, his/her past, what s/he was working through and the resulting impact on interpersonal relationships. Even when the film seemed completely detached from anything personal, the interest level and engagement in the subject matter was revealing.

Another thing I loved was analyzing the characters; assessing their motives, their personalities (for those of you who know my knack for pinning down your exact Myers Briggs personality type within a few minutes of meeting or after one email will know I've gotten very good at this..) and learning to understand their motives that operate within the narrative.

One time I was sick and spent the entire time re-watching all the Hunger Games and establishing a taxonomy of personality types. Yes I am embarrassed to admit this.

What all this amounts to is my love of patterns individually and interpersonally. I see the patterns in erraticism & idiosyncracies and these are patterns unobstructed by socioeconomic & cultural structures. Chaos makes sense to me. Perhaps my intuitive understanding stems from the "chaos theory" running through my veins. Someone in my family is renowned for work on advanced patterns in the universe.

In any case, my love of psychology is what drives me. It is what makes me love what I do. It is how I see the world, and there is no better real world application than understanding you and how to unabashedly use you for my enjoyment.