Choice

Studies show that when we have MORE choices, we value what we choose LESS.

Last evening I attended a talk between Dan Barber and Sheena Iyengar (social psychologist). Sheena explained that in her studies, she gave participants either 30 chocolates or 6 chocolates and asked them to choose one. Those with only 6 choices appreciated their chocolate more EVEN if they had the same exact one as those who chose from 30. At the end of their study they were given yet another choice: take home a box of chocolates or get paid. Those with less choice wanted the chocolates MORE. The intrinsic value was much higher for them.

I had encountered these types of studies before in rational thinking classes- in supermarkets, if we have LESS to choose from, shoppers are more likely to purchase ONE. With too many options, shoppers get overwhelmed, anxious and tend NOT to buy ANY at all. This is why in many stores, they will often only display a few options when selecting which products to highlight.

This principle does not just apply to food. It applies to everything else. A great example that Dr. Iyengar shared was that of dating. When we have so many options to choose from we tend to dislike dating more. It becomes stressful. Think about how this applies to your life.

Dr. Iyengar appreciated her experience at Dan Barber's Blue Hill (which is amazing- it's been a while since I've been and I do want to go back soon) because she was given NO choice. Barber has an assistant who gauges intuitively what course offering to give to each table based on their interactions. Dr. Iyengar felt such relief that she did not have to pick each course and had to just enjoy what was given.

This for me has more practical applications. As a domme, I deal with CHOICE. People see me because I take their CHOICE AWAY. Many of you who do see professional dommes are of course people who are given choice every single day. Not only that, but other people's choices rest upon your shoulders. That is a hell of a lot of responsibility and STRESS. 

Now, I also attended a lecture with a positive psychologist who discussed stress- how, when experiencing negative stress (positive being anticipation) we decrease our resilience and it LIMITS our experiences. Stress is inevitable (and in parts, good for growth- we need stressors to become stronger) but we must also target increasing our resilience and experiencing it in positive dosages. The amount of negative stress we encounter in our modern society is one that inhibits us and makes us SICK. 

When I effectively take away choice from those who have too much of it, they experience:

Resilience

Immunity

Appreciation

I'll give this an acroynym: AIR- YES. YOU GET TO BREATHE FRESH AIR AGAIN.

What we fail to realize is that each CHOICE depletes ENERGY. Yes, each choice is an investment of energy. Even a small choice. That's why Steve Jobs only wore the same outfit every day. Many of the highest caliber of geniuses UNDERSTOOD THIS INNATELY. Small choices add up and take away from what you can contribute elsewhere. When we want success, we need to channel ALL OF OUR ENERGY TOWARDS IT. We leak it making small mundane choices like what cereal to eat.

When I take away CHOICE, I restore that depleted supply for you. You have more to channel towards your pursuits, to your joy, to your SUCCESS.

Not to mention, everything you are then given is more appreciated. Your experience of life there after is expanded. This helps not only on a physical level, but emotional, mental and energetic.

Do you see?

Dr. Iyengar ended on a beautiful note that our heroic trope is no longer about the chosen one, but about the chooser. We can invest our energy making smart choices that help us to be our best, singular selves.

When we effectively choose when to choose and not over choose, we become our own heroes. 

Now today- choose not to choose.

"I Did My Best"

Those of you who were once told "I did my best" when you knew in your heart that this was not true, when there's a part of you that knows "best" was not truly the best, but a dismissal of responsibility

are often resigned to situations that do not make you happy

because by accepting someone's lie when they tell you they did their best, when you subconsciously sense not only deceit, but that the other person is manipulating you and they could have, should have done BETTER- 

you are accepting that you do not deserve to be treated better

so you accept

sub par treatment the rest of your life from others and from yourself.

It is time to understand that you deserved not just their crummy version of "the best" but that you deserve MORE.

You truly deserve the best.

Let that sink in. Then come find me.

Truth: Submission Does Not Equal Dependency

Over lunch yesterday my friend mentioned something about her boyfriend's increasing dependency on her. She used the term "submissive" as a pejorative to describe his behavior.

I corrected her immediately. I said: "no, he's a dependent person, not a submissive person. Understand that the two have been linked and that is wrong,"

She didn't know and it wasn't her fault- as a collective somehow the word submissive was linked with weakness, dependency, all traits counter to strength. As a submissive you can surely be both of those things, but they are not necessarily linked. Submissive and dominant are identities much like man and woman that were inherently pure and equal- but throughout history, just like man and woman, the duality has become imbalanced and then screwed over yet again with the stigmas that came with BDSM and "sex work"

I see the best types of D/s relationships as two parties who counterbalance one another which then creates balance within themselves. In our lives we all have moments of dominance and submission- I know that my need for dominance comes from a life time of being socialized as an Asian woman- the expectation is I must be submissive, probably MOST submissive. The expectation from individuals for me to act "appropriately" is always there even if it's unconscious. I know that all of my subs are leaders who, under their burdens of socialized responsibility, need an outlet to let it all go. Do you see the two layers of balance this creates? What is balance? WHOLENESS. HAPPINESS. FULFILLMENT. PEACE. HEALTH.

Just like any relationship, the healthiest D/s is one in which both parties feel a good exchange of energy and can proceed with their own lives which are made better with one another in it. You become more productive in your day to day because you know you have outlets to express your full self. It does not mean one is more dependent on the other or that one inherently needs to be "needy"- it is always, and should always, remain an interaction of identities that coalesce. They do need one another to activate- but so do many things biologically like an ovary needs sperm.

IT IS NATURAL.

I understand that many of you have some sort of unconscious or conscious fear of relationships. Whether that be because of what you have been taught about them, a trauma with one, or because you were never taught how to love, or because you expect rejection because there's a part of you not quite comfortable with yourself. 

I get many submissive who want to submit but are afraid because they think submission comes with something else- with exploitation, or with no redemption- I'm not really sure- but unlink it from pure submission and understand this may just be a fear of commitment that can generalize to any relationship. Submissive and dominant relationships are not any different structurally than a healthy functioning relationship the dynamics are just more complex but we each play out subtle dynamic even in vanilla relationships. It is always a give and take- a counterbalance- someone comes to compensate for another and vice versa- energy has this counterbalance woven in too- chakras either become blocked or overactive if your partner has underdeveloped or overdeveloped ones. Because why? It is an interaction, fundamentally, it is CHEMISTRY.

Just like in any relationship you may pick someone exploitative, someone who damages you- that's you isn't it? There are always good people and bad people and you're the one choosing so what type of psychodrama is it playing out for you? Examine the root of the belief that makes you choose hurtful harmful relationships. You are equally in control of choosing who to submit to (but should they take you is another question!) and just like all other relationships, there are good dom/mes and bad dom/mes.

Do not play the victim.

SUBMISSIVE MEN IT IS TIME TO RECLAIM THE IDENTITY AND SHOW THAT IT IS A POWERFUL STATE OF BEING. EDUCATE OTHERS ON THE TERMINOLOGY- SHOW THEM IT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING NEGATIVE. EVERYONE HAS A SUBMISSIVE SIDE. THOSE WHO DENY THIS ARE SCARILY NOT IN TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES- THEY ARE FRAGILE. THEY WILL BREAK ONE DAY.

 

 

 

 

 

Jenner

I know- what the fuck am I doing writing about Kylie Jenner- I am so not a pop culture person

But actually I am- I am fascinated by it from a macro level because it is the NOW. It says a lot about our collective psyches and where we are headed- we are one, and ALL.

SO Kylie- I know it's the fucking meritocracy and I know it's a a moment of embracing technology but listen.. Kylie Jenner is a toxic role model. I spent a lot of time in my MA investigating cultural and theoretical notions of Beauty across the world and I would love to share this with you one day as it was my favorite (and most applicable) research. When people like Kylie are heralded as an icon, a role model, this creates problems because she is embodying NEGATIVE BODY IMAGE.

This is a girl who hated herself so much that she went and changed everything about herself- face, body, what have you. I am not against plastic surgery in any way- as I mentioned before this is a time of meritocracy and harnessing the technology that is available to us and Beauty is a major advantage. But let's distill- Kylie's message is: if you don't like your body and face, change everything. This is a total negation of body positivity and embracing "flaws" and in fact, what we should be doing is not telling people they should love themselves how they are, but erase the larger systems that dictate what are flaws and what aren't. This is what an empowering role-model would look like: Kylie declaring, yes I was taught by the people around me (entertainment industry) including my family that what I look like is not enough- but I AM enough and I am more beautiful than they are.

When did negativity become cool? Think about this-

When you see a person like Kylie who is not even 20 and she has millions of followers and likes telling her how gorgeous she is, this for her then reaffirms the negativity, the self-hatred. She may be more empowered now in our sick society because of her surgeries but this fuels her plastic surgery addiction as there is a direct correlation between how much she gets done and how successful/praised she is.

There is a difference between enhancement, self-improvement, and total self-destruction and self-rejection. Do you see what I'm saying?

It is also important to know that spirituality has a lot to do with perceptions of beauty. By becoming spiritual, your life force flows and makes you more beautiful- erases your wrinkles, plumps your lips, gives you a sparkle in your eye- I'm not kidding. You know that beautiful, powerful glow that people with healthy lifestyles and high levels of spirituality have? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. That can be yours without self-rejection. When you self-reject, you deplete. You allocate more energy to that negativity every single day. You literally and figuratively, cut a part of yourself off.

Do not disassemble- move towards embodiment. We are moving from parts to the whole.

WHOLE = HAPPY

Medicine

I want to preface this by saying that I've met some lovely doctors in my life time who are genuinely devoted to helping others. This is not about them- this is about the issues with the larger industries and my experiences that need to be vocalized so others can be aware as these are life/death situations. I bet anything that these lovely doctors also have issues with the larger system or have faced some bad doctors who don't give a shit about their patients at all- and I would love to hear from you if you have a story to share.

After the nightmare that was dealing with the negligence and ignorance of doctors in the most profitable sector of medicine: cancer treatment including and definitely not limited to at least a dozen different doctors who put my mother on rounds of near lethal dosages of antibiotics NOT TELLING HER TO TAKE PROBIOTICS and encouraging her consumption of dairy (which feeds DISEASE) and processed sugar, Not a single one told her to take probiotics to at least soften the impact of what they put her on- I asked a friend of mine in med school about the antibiotics she was taking and he was not only appalled at the dosage, but said that is a type of antibiotic that isn't even safe for consumption. Several conversations with others who have also witnessed loved ones go through cancer treatments revealed situations in which doctors told chemo patients to not eat kale because it would interfere with the treatment but encouraged sugar (WHICH FEEDS DISEASE). I remember being in the chemo treatment center with her and looking in the refrigerator- all drinks were loaded with processed sugar- gatorades, apple juice. In the hospital when you could smell her blood infection down the hall they were feeding her jello and apple sauce among other horrific foods that were ALL PROCESSED AND FEEDS DISEASE. 

I remember many times when we couldn't reach my mother's primary doctor because he was on perpetual vacation. I remember after they operated on her, they left her with a WORSE infection and watching another doctor ask her why the incision wasn't closed properly by the doctor who operated, and pulling out GIANT scabs of infection that left her head reeking, like something was rotting. They put her through operation after operation because none of them, even after board meetings, could figure out what was going on. She was so weak- but they treated her like an experiment, a lab rat they could poke and prod and put under again and again to cut into. They drew her blood until she had no more veins they could poke into. They met countless times, made us wait for months, and no one knew what was going on. These are some of the best and most well paid doctors/surgeons in the US for cancer treatment. 

I remember my own experiences with health care and pharmaceuticals being strange- I was encouraged, basically PUSHED to take antidepressants while in college, because of the high suicide rate of kids at my school. I remember even being in France and expressing my concerns about taking anti-anxiety medication and being told, "everyone takes them". I remember how easy it was to walk out of a doctor's office with prescriptions for whatever I wanted after a 5 minute conversation- it became a joke to me. I sometimes never even filled the prescriptions.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who told me the new thing is developing "life-style drugs" basically, drugs you need to be on for a lifetime. This is taking dependency to a whole other level.

Like I've mentioned before, our bodies and minds have incredible natural healing abilities. The answer is not what you think it is.

Again, I want to re-iterate that I am not dismissing doctors and nurses who are in healthcare because they truly want to help others. These people are noble and incredible human beings who work long, taxing hours to ensure other people are taken care of. But there is a dark side to this industry and it is toxic. Because of how lucrative certain professions can be, it can often attract people who do not have pure intentions. That darkness needs to go.

Western medicine tends to focus on symptoms and separates the part from the whole. But EVERYTHING in our bodies is interconnected, and sometimes the causes are not even within the physical Psychosoma is real and our bodies will also manifest issues with our emotional, etheric, energetic (there are SO many more bodies) bodies too. 

DO NOT GET SO CAUGHT IN THE DETAILS YOU MISS THE BIGGER PICTURE.