Why Trauma?

The reason why I write about trauma even while knowing it may turn many of you off is because so many of us don't recognize the traumas we endured (I know many of you expect to be reading masturbatory fodder). As human beings we are all traumatized in modern society. We just accept it as "normal" when normal is a blanket term designed by the very systems that traumatize us and keep us functioning below our consciousness threshold.

How could we identify it during times when our agency was stripped away from us and it's all we knew? How can we identify it when the perpetrators staunchly denied it to be true? 

By showing you how I work through my own traumas, I intend to help you identify the traumas in your life. When we identify the traumas we faced, we are able to take back our own agency in those moments, recover a lost piece of ourselves (or better define who we are aside from the trauma-induced behaviors we thought were a part of us) and become whole- the way we're meant to be. We lose pieces of ourselves to traumas because they in ways, break our spirits into pieces and we give away our power bit by bit. We don't even realize how much of us is missing until we begin to rescue all those pieces.

If we live our lives numbing and being blind to our traumas, we never ever heal.


Dropping Fear

I used to be so fearful. When I worked in a dungeon I could barely go outside sometimes for fear that someone had seen my photos online. I imagined that everyone was judging me and so I clung to my "other" life at the time, the socially acceptable one, the "student".

For years I felt this shame and fear of exposure. I kept the sides carefully segregated- no one in my vanilla life knew what I did because I feared rejection. Really, it was my own self-rejection I was afraid of. I think we can all understand the impulse to overcompensate when there's something that we don't like about ourselves, or want to hide.

And one day, I stopped caring when I realized that the structures that I was taught (i.e. don't tell anyone your real name) were rooted in fear. No one shared anything personal about themselves purely because they were afraid. Many of these people hoped to one day abandon their "shadow work" and go into the vanilla world, so I understand this fear of disclosure. I had thought that the only way to be acceptable would one day leave this behind and call it a phase. I was in denial that this was a true part of me. 

It wasn't until I decided to drop the fear to be myself did I start meeting people who were like me, who had stuck with this profession for the long haul out of love. They had normal, wonderful, open lives. And I saw my scope expand. I could be myself, without sacrifice, and by putting myself honestly, and openly, out there, I would attract just the right people who would encourage me along my path. Otherwise, by living a lie, I would do nothing except attract dishonesty, or people who would have a problem with who I was inside.

Of course I still struggled. I kept both sides of me down in order to not expose one another, in case it would upset someone. And in the end, I feel the fear slowly slipping away even more. Without knowing how much fear I had within me, it's something I can only identify in retrospect. There's so much change happening on an unconscious level once we set out to change that's gradual, but the days add up and we will never be where we once were even if we go two steps forward and one step back.

Now I'm ready to be public. I don't care if my identities blur. This is me, and it's alright if the world knows who I am. And you will see just how much potential for liberation is in you, too.

We deserve to be happy. It is a basic human right.

The Path is Painful

When I went back to school and thought my track was to get my PhD and become a professor, I felt I was on my path. Suddenly synchronicities lined up (they're the coincidences, chance encounters that happen that seem almost surreal by how well timed they are). I wasn't even spiritual then and I knew something bigger than me was happening. It wasn't the same experience of the world I had when I felt lost, without a purpose.

When I didn't get in despite feeling that it was certain, I thought I was knocked off my path. The grieving process was difficult- though it doesn't compare to the cycle after losing my mom, I was depressed and lost for many many months. My identity at that point was linked to my future as a professor and I take things to heart because I am sensitive. I had devoted two years strictly to academia, focused on my goal and suddenly it all seemed futile. Instead of trying again, I felt that force wasn't meant to be exerted. Some things aren't meant to be and the things that are meant to be will happen easily. It's not laziness, it's understanding opportunity, the difference between flow and resistance. Remember, when we force (which in this culture it's encouraged), we lose our energy and the harm comes back to us even if we push forward and obtain success for a short period.

What I didn't realize at the time was that the seemingly "knocked off my path" was actually PART of my path. These "bad" things had to happen so I could get further along on my path. For instance, if that didn't happen, and I wasn't struggling, I would NEVER have sought the help of an energy healer which at that time was totally alien and bullshit to me. I was desperate and nothing else was working. And that ultimately changed the course of my life, brought about a spiritual awakening and changed the way I relate to others and helped me to develop a whole new side of myself and my practice. What I found through my loss was more integral to my identity, as it is now the focus, than academia would've ever been.

If you look at the trajectory of my life objectively, it wasn't easy. I didn't get into a PhD program, I lost my mom, all in the short span of a year. But yet, this was the biggest year of my life in terms of opportunity. It's not hopeless optimism to learn to see the meaning behind losses. My mother passed the night of the new moon. I saw the healer on the night of the new moon. The new moon signifies opportunity. As much as it is all devastating, in ways it all amounts to liberation (not just for me, but for my mom too- she was sick for four years and there is nothing worse than seeing a parent suffer- or if you're me, experiencing their illness alongside them because you are clairsentient, which is amplified because it's your mom)

I'm not afraid of pain. I accept pain as a part of life. If you aren't in pain, you aren't growing, moving, changing, getting stronger. I accept loss. I know it means that there's new space to be filled with opportunity. Bad things aren't so bad, afterall. If someone else took all of our pain away, where would we be? We would never evolve.

My friend shared this article with me and you'll see why this relates

My Slave Wrote this- All Submissive Men Should Read

The Submissive Man is a more Evolved Man.

Regardless of whether we are true submissives or not, our approach to attracting a woman's attention is very similar. We all try to be chivalrous and personable. However, the true driver and motivations are very transparent and different. The true submissive is about pleasing the woman and feeding her pleasures. The non-submissive is in a quest to satisfy his own release and to feed his fleeting orgasm. 

For the non-submissive, the woman is the object for their pleasure. With a submissive their object is the pleasure of the woman.

Submissive men focus their energies on the woman. They make themselves available by understanding the intimate needs of the woman. The happiness and pleasure of the woman is very important to them. They make themselves available emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually, spiritually and in any other ways they can, solely to please the woman. This in itself creates a high level of intimacy. It is through this intimacy that he is able to service and submit to the woman. He has let go of his male ego and has accepted that he is here to serve the woman. This sort of relationship leads to both partners discussing the most intimate and depraved thoughts and acts honestly without any prejudices. He understands that there is a higher calling than his own fleeting orgasmic pleasure. He forgoes that fleeting pleasure for something far greater, the pleasure of his woman. That brings him joy and happiness. He places her needs over his , and that creates the holy union. 

The relationship between a Dominant Female and submissive man is deep. This cycle of Her pleasure and him pleasing Her, creates a cyclic chasm, that deepens. She's reaching new states of pleasure and him reaching deeper states of submission and devotion. This cycle inherently creates a bond in which both unleash their primal animal within them. This allows for a myriad of fantasies to manifest, wherein both are always in touch with their sexual and spiritual selves.

So to all submissive men, we are more evolved and are vibrating at a higher plane. This helps us to get in touch with the divine superior female and be there for her multiple pleasures. It sets us free.