Dropping Fear

I used to be so fearful. When I worked in a dungeon I could barely go outside sometimes for fear that someone had seen my photos online. I imagined that everyone was judging me and so I clung to my "other" life at the time, the socially acceptable one, the "student".

For years I felt this shame and fear of exposure. I kept the sides carefully segregated- no one in my vanilla life knew what I did because I feared rejection. Really, it was my own self-rejection I was afraid of. I think we can all understand the impulse to overcompensate when there's something that we don't like about ourselves, or want to hide.

And one day, I stopped caring when I realized that the structures that I was taught (i.e. don't tell anyone your real name) were rooted in fear. No one shared anything personal about themselves purely because they were afraid. Many of these people hoped to one day abandon their "shadow work" and go into the vanilla world, so I understand this fear of disclosure. I had thought that the only way to be acceptable would one day leave this behind and call it a phase. I was in denial that this was a true part of me. 

It wasn't until I decided to drop the fear to be myself did I start meeting people who were like me, who had stuck with this profession for the long haul out of love. They had normal, wonderful, open lives. And I saw my scope expand. I could be myself, without sacrifice, and by putting myself honestly, and openly, out there, I would attract just the right people who would encourage me along my path. Otherwise, by living a lie, I would do nothing except attract dishonesty, or people who would have a problem with who I was inside.

Of course I still struggled. I kept both sides of me down in order to not expose one another, in case it would upset someone. And in the end, I feel the fear slowly slipping away even more. Without knowing how much fear I had within me, it's something I can only identify in retrospect. There's so much change happening on an unconscious level once we set out to change that's gradual, but the days add up and we will never be where we once were even if we go two steps forward and one step back.

Now I'm ready to be public. I don't care if my identities blur. This is me, and it's alright if the world knows who I am. And you will see just how much potential for liberation is in you, too.

We deserve to be happy. It is a basic human right.

Open your Heart

There are several reasons I have chosen BDSM and pro-domming as my outlet to speak my truth, refine my art and heal others. Besides a few I've outlined on twitter and my revised Sessions page, another is because of the unique demographic I have access to.

Most of you are well earning men who are victims of socialization and structures of "masculinity" where you walk around with a closed heart. You are taught that to feel means you are weak. You are taught that to desire submission, you are weak. This structure of masculinity actually creates weakness and frailty. It creates imbalance. It creates someone who is afraid to be in touch with his feminine side, for fears of judgment and shame. This creates self-rejection which manifests as rejections of others around you because innately, we all embody both masculine and feminine. This creates a closed heart. This creates fear, of yourself, and of the very rejection you externalize. Do you recognize patterns where you reject the women that want you, but want the ones that reject you? It is not about the women- it is about how you deal with yourself. This pattern tells you that you cannot accept your femininity and embrace your self-rejection. Look up Carl Jung's animus/anima for analytical psychology background principles on the feminine/masculine duality within us all.

You are broken and fragmented the moment you are brought into this world. As soon as you are told, "boys don't cry". You think you are adhering to laws that protect you but society has created laws that violate and run against universal laws. You think you are protected but you are not. Society cannot protect you more than materially the more you deviate from universal law, the ones that decide your health.

In the last 40 years, women have been able to freely express their masculinity. Women have advanced far beyond what men have been able to. Although men do have certain privileges in society, you are at a distinct disadvantage. You are marginalized (not within human structures, but within a universal structure) and worse, no one wants to offer you help because of the privileges you have. To express anything traditionally non-cis gendered implies something damaging, within the structures we live. The pressure you hold on your shoulders just by living, without knowing, creates high energetic imbalance, health and mental issues. This is why you feel anger and frustration. You are imprisoned by the very structures that grant you crumbs of privilege for your adherence.

But it is not enough. You deserve more. You deserve freedom. Why settle for crumbs?

Part of the reason I've been so open with sharing my life story, the history that causes me to feel pain are in hopes that my openness will elicit your openness. When you read, watch and hear my stories, when you feel the empathy for me, or when you feel that it touches on your own history and you finally process what you've been holding onto all these years, I help raise your vibration.

When you raise your vibration you get closer to reaching truth, purity and divinity.

When your vibration is raised, you experience health, abundance and freedom. The fountain of youth and vitality.

You become strong.

You become whole.

You become someone who can easily and readily manifest your own reality, one that includes happiness and love.

Do not forget how to love because you ARE love.