I'm inspired to write about how femininity relates to my style of dominance. If you've been following along with me over the last year you might've read some bits and pieces of this, but today is when I put it all down on one page.
When I tell people I'm a domme, most will remark how masculine they would think dommes are. They're surprised because I'm so feminine, so soft. The truth of the matter is there is a great misconception here: that POWER is associated purely with masculine traits and that to be DOMINANT you must be more MASCULINE.
There is great, great power in properly wielding femininity. Masculine dominance is about power over others- it's a struggle, because one person must assert him/herself as ALPHA. Whereas, with feminine power, no one needs to struggle. The feminine power is and he, even alpha, submits to her willingly. Her dominance can be subtle, it can be sweet, it can be flowing and not forcing, and that's what makes her strong.
As I've mentioned before, we have such weak associations with femininity in our society that by identifying as feminine, we often misidentify what it truly means. There are strong versions of femininity too- and no woman must give away that side of her to be perceivably strong and powerful. There isn't just one meaning to strength, nor is there just one side to femininity, nor to masculinity.
By being a soft, feminine mistress, I can in fact, heal not only the repressed feminine aspect of you, but also give the masculine aspect a needed respite and direction- just because the masculine can be harsh does not mean that it does not need nurture- in fact, it NEEDS and CRAVES it because it is its opposite, and it is its complement.
When I worked full time in female-heavy environments, it became apparent that traditional feminine traits were seen as weak. Surely, many conditioned feminine qualities do weaken women (like having to be nice or polite all the time, having to be submissive when it is contrary to her natural dominance) but intrinsic feminine qualities like softness and sensuality were also labeled weak. Intuition was dismissed as being irrational and crazy.
I started to notice that my female bosses would embody masculine traits and often in their language, attribute their success to acting like men. To succeed meant to draw out their masculine side at the hindrance of their femininity. This meant to succeed meant to renounce femininity.
There was little space for me. I did not want to renounce my femininity as I am very feminine naturally nor did I crave to draw out my masculinity and allow it to lead in order to experience "power".
What domming has taught me is that there is immense power in the feminine when embraced and harnessed. It is a refinement process of eliminating the weak qualities that have become linked to femininity through the process of socialization. It is a process of balance and understanding femininity can also be dominant (our culture links masculinity with dominance and femininity with submission, there's little leeway). It is about separating dominance from masculinity and understanding that each of these structures, though they do have intersections, function on their own.
I do not feel ashamed of my femininity. I love that that I am soft, more than anything in the world. I know that I do not have to behave like a man to succeed (and maybe others have found their success by doing this, but their way is not the only way and it is not my chosen path), at the expense of my own intrinsic qualities. There is room for all, and forcing others to reject, abandon and be ashamed of how they are is the wrong way.
The only ways in which I detach from socially understood femininity are the weakness and codependency that culture imposes through bombarding women with messages of lack in the media. Magazines for women tend to encourage women to cater to men and find 50 new ways to please him (underlying message: you are not enough as you are) and enforces a doormat mentality. Images teach women to be scared/ashamed of their bodies (because they are not a run way model) and sexuality (for fear of being a "whore"). I rebel against all this. You please me, I love my body and I have made a living embracing my sexuality.
Though I am very in touch with my intuition and emotions, I am fully independent and capable of not only managing my emotions but those of many others. My intuition serves me well and does not render me "crazy" but gives me a higher perceptive power. I do not wish to settle down in a traditional sense and never dreamed of a wedding or a white picket fence house where I cook and bake pies all day. I do not have a desire to have children to fulfill some sort of socially legitimized pattern- I will have them when I feel in my heart I am ready to take care of them (my parents had me in order to fulfill a cultural script before they were fiscally and emotionally ready- I learned their lesson). As a child I hated princess movies and dolls, but was never a tomboy. I am a feminine woman and I will lead my life the way that makes me happy. To not want to settle down or have normative dreams does not make me any less feminine, either.
DISTILL. REFINE. SEPARATE. QUESTION.
THE RIGHT WAY IS FINDING POWER IN THE IDENTITIES THAT WE FILL. WE MUST UNDERSTAND THAT WE MAY NOT ALWAYS FIT INTO A LIMITING BOX SO WE MUST CREATE OUR OWN BOXES AND REMIND OTHERS TO DO SO AS WELL. WE MUST STOP RELYING ON PASSIVE, COGNITIVELY ECONOMICAL WAYS OF JUDGING OTHERS (I.E. RACIAL PROFILING)
THIS IS HOW WE ERASE PREJUDICE AND START RECOGNIZING INDIVIDUALS AS INDIVIDUALS.
Female nudity is a conundrum.
On the one hand, women are encouraged to be comfortable in their bodies and if they aren’t, they’re not confident (much of our Western society is built upon praising attributes of confidence) and something must be wrong with them. On the other, there is such shame attached to a woman who shows her body, and even if there wasn’t shame, the hardened notions of “beauty” have been so skewed to an extreme that most women can’t match it.
Why is there such fear surrounding the female form? Why must she be degraded if she feels like displaying parts of her which men freely show with no stigmatization?
As a young girl, I grew up so ashamed and fearful of my own body. It wasn’t the “ideal” I saw in magazines and I was afraid of judgment from my peers if I dressed even subtly suggestive. I was taught to be defensive- the woman was always the instigator and the rights never were hers. As a woman, I’m so sick of the self consciousness and self hatred drilled into me and women everywhere by our methods of socialization.
My choice to disrobe is one made as a woman. I accept and love my body. It may not be the proportions of a runway model but for once I really DGAF. There is immense power in nudity if it comes from the right mentality. “Empower” might be an empty word but it is the ability to openly accept objectification, seize and then dismantle it that I’m drawn to. It is never my body that will truly capture you. It’s my personality, my heart and mind (and anyway- do you really even want the people who are captured only by your body, in your life?). It’s really such a small factor made into an obscenely big deal. It is our natural state of being. We were born this way and we die this way.
I know by posting this I’m going to receive numerous requests for nude sessions. No. That is not what this means.
On another note- jet lag is killing me. I wish I could sleep! But early morning spin class and a flight back to NYC await.