For some of my clients working on relationships, I always ask, "how do you define love?"
Usually, people have a mapped out, higher-consciousness philosophy of what love is. Ask me, and I'll reply the same.
I'd probably say something along the lines of: "I see it split into a few levels- biologically it's when hormones are flooding the body similar to an addiction, physiologically- it feels incredible to be around someone and everyone else disappears, they become what feels like "yours", spiritually, it's a union of souls that mirror one another and are along a joint path. Overall it's a strong sense of connectedness,"
I've read so many philosophical and scientific books on love, even took a course on love in college. I understand, or at least, I think I do.
So then, as someone, and as people collectively who have such a strong grasp on what "love" is, ought to be, why is it that it's the source of so many of our problems and headaches?
The reason I ask my clients what Love means isn't because I'm looking for the answer above. It's because I'm trying to help them see the truth of love's association in their minds. There's usually a dissonance here between what love means, and what love "is" or "was".
Consciously there's a reckoning of what love is in an ideal sense, but subconsciously, love maps are encoded in a way that is out of our control, that is created by our caregivers, our family and our relationship patterns. When we grow up in a family that is less than ideal, who mistreated us, it's no wonder many of us become consciously afraid of love, even though we consciously don't understand why. Many of us seek to create familial patterns in our love relationships for better or worse. We're all looking for "home" afterall.
Take for example: my first love. He was someone who fought with me endlessly. It became about his needs and emotional volatility, and he literally would lock me in his apartment because he didn't want me to ever leave. He wouldn't let me hang out with my friends and when I was out at night (it was my first year in college no-less, I wanted to make friends and be out) he'd harass me and whine until I would give in and he'd come pick me up from where ever I was. I fell in love with him, hard, and love became associated with a feeling of entrapment. Of abuse. Of claustrophobia. Of anger, resentment, a robbing of personal agency, draining and fighting. No wonder I was terrified of it from that point on.
I remember even talking to one of my best friends at the time about it and he said, "the way --- treats you is like you're an abused child,"
It didn't click until years later as our subconscious has a way of hiding patterns from us because sometimes we're not ready to acknowledge it, he treated me the exact way my parents used to. Consciously I knew he was toxic for me, I wanted to get out of the relationship, but my conditioning, my subconscious was used to this: his insecurity, his lack of emotional responsibility, his lack of maturity, his acting out, were things I was well-equipped, and used to, handling. It felt familiar, therefore, it felt safe. FELT is necessary here, because it wasn't actually safe.
I used to wonder why when someone outright harassed me, I'd feel overly sympathetic towards them and love them more. I was used to overjustifying and being overly compassionate with my caretakers, explaining away their actions and overlooking how I felt. I was supposed to be grateful, to be a good daughter, and so being those things means disowning what I felt deep inside- hurt, abandoned, rejected, angry, frustrated, resentful
It's painful to reckon with, and scary that on the "lower" level, our past is still following us, but also recognize that there are positives to this unconscious love mapping. I am attracted to strong individuals, self-made individuals, individuals who have endured many hardships to get to where they are. I am attracted to people who are ambitious, focused and brilliant- as both of my parents were.
On the flip side, I also have incredible chemistry with men who are emotionally unavailable, people who have issues communicating, who are factual to the point of emotional vacuity, angry and narcissistic. I recognize that and as I work hard on changing it, what happens is each cycle in which my life is filled with certain people who activate those triggers, they actually become more available especially as we identify and say no to it-- our cycles repeat, yes, but it's up to us how much we try to clear that energy and imprint and progress is made when we recognize that there's movement until one LAST clearing and then it's out. Sometimes, and especially with familial patterns, usually we're resisting change because there's a part of us that's still holding on. We're holding on to our parents, of what they were to us, and what they could have been. Consciously I'm understanding that the LOVE that's innately wired in me isn't the love that's healthy for me, and that LOVE doesn't mean what I think it means, what I feel it means, or is something I really know at all despite endless intellectual parsing.
This is odd to say as someone who, as you may have read, radiates an unconditional love. It's usually one of the first things people notice about me, write about me- my love. I know what love means spiritually, I know what unconditional love is and how to give it, but on this human level it's a very different story for all of us.
I write this because on a planetary level, we are all going through a sacral chakra healing.
Have you been feeling more emotional lately, or have had pain in the lower portion of your stomach?
Have old, emotionally charged memories surfaced?
If so- you're undergoing the healing.
Part of being human presently enforces us to bury our true natures to the point where we don't know who we are or how we feel. Numb the pain mentality is prevalent. We do what we can to get through our days, sometimes and then we go through bouts of frustration, stress and we don't know why.
Our sacral chakra is the energy center that sits at our lower abdomen. For men and women, it governs sexuality, creativity, emotions, intimacy and money. It also is the center that can be blocked by shame and guilt. For men, it also can be blocked because it is feminine and many men are taught through tenants of masculinity to repress feminine energy. For women, we are taught to disown our natural feminine in a femininity negating culture where feminine sexuality is denied (slut shaming etc..) and we're taught to be ashamed of our femininity (think about the embarrassment and shame tied to menstruation). Many women in toxic industries that disown femininity because feminine traits are "weak" and women must act like men in order to get ahead, will often develop illnesses in feminine areas like ovarian cysts, etc because that's a metaphysical extension of the denial and repression and self-hatred re: femininity.
We hold our true sexual identities here- that which brings us pleasure. And pleasure brings us back to ourselves and to our source. I'm not talking addiction riddled, over the top pleasure, but basic pleasures of being human including a healthy sexuality. What we regard as "kinky" or "queer" or that which isn't within the culturally defined box of "normal" sexuality we often repress or cover up with shame, which then distorts, blocks and alters the energy flow of our sacral chakra, which then blocks all which is associated- creativity AND money and access to SOURCE energy, AND intimate relationships. Yes- distortions with one will impact the other. Not to mention, distortions in one energy center will affect the quality of the flow through all other centers. This impacts internal balance and wellness. Ideally we want to be a clear channel so source energy can flow equally through all parts of us.
That's why for those of you who truly have a submissive nature (and arguably many men have more difficulties with admitting to this because of what's expected of them in society and different industries) will often have blocked sacrals that then block the energy flow into other aspects of their lives. This is when disease happens, or especially pertaining to the sacral, sometimes men can develop sexual dysfunctions because of blocked emotions they're unconsciously not allowing themselves to process, or, more literally, they cannot "connect" with their partners because the fear of intimacy is too strong and has not been dealt with.
If you are a submissive, choose the dominant that resonates with you (and say it's mutual), allowing yourself to submit to not just him/her/they, but to YOUR true nature will relieve a ton of the blockages and resistance in your sacral chakra related to shame and repression. Arguably shame and repression surrounding sexual identity is the biggest thing holding back the evolution of humanity. We need to embrace our sexual natures in a healthy way in order to become fully EMBODIED.
This requires true vulnerability, not just to self, but to him/her/they. Vulnerability is the precursor to self-awareness, connectedness and surrender. We can't receive if we aren't vulnerable, just like we can't be perceived if we aren't. If we don't allow ourselves to be seen, we'll be invisible to ourselves and everyone else. And surrender is the ultimate precursor to liberation, which is the pathway to the highest vibrational state of peace and nonresistance.
When we get there, all things open up, including our hearts.
Have you been looking for meaning for a while? Do you feel lost? Well this is how you find it.
Has it occurred to you that we are all ACTING. Every single day of our lives? We may have a grasp of our "personalities" as is constructed and defined through living our lives, and other people may understand us as such, but WHAT IF all that we think we are is just a mechanism of control to feel safe in a predictable reality?
For instance, if I associate myself as "sweet", I act in accordance to that because then other people respond to me nicely. It's a way of controlling other people's reactions to me, because I have the experience of knowing that being "Sweet" begets a certain response.
But I am so much more than just that one quality that's come to the forefront of "who I am". We are all more than how we are defined, how we allow ourselves to be defined, and how we understand ourselves. Because we are WHOLE people.
When we let go of that subconscious control, we start to understand our real depths. We start to understand how much more is within our potential. We also start to see the full range, and appreciate that range, in other people. We can handle it because we can handle it within us.
The more we acknowledge things about ourselves, maybe qualities we've discarded, we can see how productive they truly are. Only when buried do they reveal their counterproductive sides- i.e. assertiveness can become aggression, confidence can become arrogance, etc..