Redefining "Switch": Orientation-Fluidity

One of the first things you’re asked to identify is whether you’re a domme, sub or switch, in BDSM

I decided upon entering BDSM professionally that I was a domme. I wanted to let go of disempowering scripts and conditioning that tells women they need to be submissive and docile, and that dominance is a turn-off. I wanted to grow in my dominance and learn to call the shots. Some women who are dommes are purely dommes, meaning, in no circumstances do they switch or sub. I however, wanted to be more flexible and sometimes switched, subbed at the beginning of my career. After being in this profession for many years, it starts to leak into your identity in all other spaces. It becomes either an outlet, or a lived truth that coaxes out who you really are.

Still, for years, I had no idea what my “orientation” was outside of BDSM professionally. There was a period in which I identified with my “domme-only” peers and would never, ever put myself in any situation that required me being less than a domme. Because for some reason, there was a negative slant they ascribed to the sub position- of inferiority. I started to grow out of that as I began paving my own way in BDSM. They’re both just orientations that need each other to make a scene. I saw them as neutral. I also began craving a safe space to be submissive in my personal life, and began experimenting in that regard here and there. I knew that to be an even better domme, it was important to understand the headspace of the submissive too.

What I then came to discover was how complex, yet simple, this all is. I’m never strictly one or the other- there are times in life when my energy and body language may be communicating dominance, yet my speech and conscious behavior may be dictating submission. There are times when the opposite is true. Still, I was happy and relieved to have found clear outputs of behavior- when I was domming, I was in control. I had the power. I feel that when we don’t grant ourselves outlets to express all sides of our personality, we can oftentimes hinder our development and these traits leak out in strange, shadow-like ways. For instance, if you continually play the submissive role in life, then you may become controlling, manipulative, codependent, aggressive in covert ways.

The healthiest approach is embodying duality and understanding that not all circumstances are the same. I could respond to someone’s energy and demeanor in a certain way, but I won’t know what (dominance, submission) they bring out in me unless I’m present with them and engage with what they’re communicating on all levels. Sometimes gender roles can come into play here, but what I used to think were power dynamics that were strictly associated with gendered roles in vanilla contexts and BDSM role reversals, aren’t that related afterall. Especially after you play for a while, or you begin to strip away a lot of the gender expectations from your own life and allow yourself the room to breathe. I identify as a woman, but that doesn’t mean I have to act like how women are conditioned to be, to be one.

So that’s why I think it’s a good idea to reconsider the idea of switch. Switch to me lays out a binary- Submissive and dominant, and I switch from one to the other. Yes it grants more fluidity than the other roles that are locked in one way of associating with power and control, but I don’t believe that it needs to be a one or the other, an established binary. I prefer to look at it as a whole- a totality of traits that can be expressed simultaneously or one at a time. I’m not a switch. But I’m not just a domme either. I’m a dominant in work, in some ways dominant in life but, I can be many things at once and so can everyone.


We're all some form of a control freak. That's what anxiety and worry are about- wanting to control the future in some way that elicits feelings of out of control-ness in the present. We plan. We micromanage. We try to control other people even in subtle ways. And yet, we still feel out of control most of the time. WHY?

Because this form of grasping for control is indicative of NOT having true control over the self. What's controlling the self are all these unconscious behaviors and patterns in our subconscious. When we bring these to light, to our conscious awareness, we then can control our actions, our reactions, our emotions, and when we change those actively, we also change the way others respond to us and ultimately our whole reality.

But why do we not want to reach full self-mastery? Because it's true commitment to the self. Most people don't want to know themselves that deeply. Most people never do. But if we dig deep and learn the roots and causes of what's ACTUALLY going on within us, we then have more of a sense of pure control which means we no longer need to control that which we CAN'T fundamentally control or change. This means we reduce our anxiety, our worries, our fears GREATLY. And once we do, well, we have more control to give over to people like me in safe spaces. That means we can get more of a sense of surrender. 

When we get a hold of ourselves, we allow others to hold us too.


We All Seek Power

In its various forms. All human struggle is for the sake of power.

Power in money, in status, in beauty, in sex, in youth. Because this is a society that benefits from our hunger for power. That's why all the major industries function based on these pillars of power.

But notice how ALL of these categories are material. And how easily we can give our power away to them and grant them an inextricable link to our self-worth and health. And how, as we accrue, we feel good, and as we lose whichever category we are most attached to, we feel bad about ourselves. We literally get SICK when whatever it is we are attached to is taken away from us.

And let me tell you something: it will most likely be the very first thing to be taken from you. That's the way the universe works. That which we attach our self-esteem and sense of worth to is the first thing that leaves us. Because no person should ever have such a deep desire for something that it supersedes their own sense of wholeness. And the universe reminds us of such.

Desire becomes greed. Which drops our vibration to a very low one, tiring our spirit. Because all of these things are material and all of these things we naturally lose, even if they aren't taken away from us. Money loses meaning when we pass. Status means nothing when we pass. We lose our beauty fast, in a youth fixated world. Youth and sex appeal we lose to the natural aging process.

When these things get taken away from you, you are SET FREE IF and only IF you acknowledge the blessing in disguise. Because in the end the human spirit is WHOLE and an expression of divine life and consciousness. Consciousness and life NEVER falls underneath material expressions of power and when it is placed in a lower level of importance, there will be chaos- the bad kind- until order is established again through its absence. 

Real power is in the human spirit. 


Metrics of Identity

When you define yourself by a broader category, you let go

When you aren't assigning yourself a firm identity rooted in uniqueness, entitlement, privilege, there is much less to uphold. Sometimes, this identity isn't even your own doing. Other people assign this rigid categorization to you because of your track record of successes or their grandiose expectations of you. There's little room within, there's more pressure, there's more of a sense of me.

When you surrender that sense of self for Me... when, in the stead of being the whatever special version of yourself you become simply, my sub, my slave.. when I slip the black, tight hood over your head, you no longer recognize yourself in the mirror. you have become de-personalized. you are now just 1 of 7.5 billion people (okay maybe you are slightly kinkier than the average but that's all the credit I'll give to your new identification). I take your ego. I take your power. I control you.

you are done. you are gone. What liberation. The world is no longer out to get you, nor does it revolve around you. your baggage finally is discarded because I've forced you to set it down.

And now finally, you have a real purpose.

To serve Me.

And in your vanilla life, this fuels you in all your complexity. But even then, you crave the space of surrender I've created for you.