Remembrance

I remember that day my soul revolted.

I couldn't do "it" anymore, sitting there five days a week waiting for the time to pass; trying to look busy when I was just bored out of my mind; trying to motivate myself to keep going like I was saving the world, when I knew that my efforts were only adding to someone else's collection of diamonds and properties. It was a larger system that would compensate me the same yearly if I wasn't doing anything at all.

My mother told me that I was acting overly emotional. She thought maybe I was tired, or because of a recent "trauma" I was acting out. My friends told me not to make any rash moves because if I did, I would compromise my whole career.

On paper my career was impressive, especially for someone my age. I never started from the bottom, I went right to the top running and operating my own departments from the moment I started full time work before I even graduated from university. I set the rules, led meetings, flew from coast to coast and trained others. But to me, the lines on paper and on linkedin meant nothing. To me, the annoyance from having to hear another person complaining about what a celebrity wore on the red carpet was overriding the comfortable direct deposit. The stress from leaving my email unanswered overnight was causing all sorts of health issues but I wasn't sure if it was worse than the stress of knowing that every email was an emergency. The guilt that came with not wanting to go to yet another important event to network started to pale in comparison to the desire I had to be alone for once. I wasn't one of those birds that flew right into the window. I saw the glass ceiling way before I approached it.

I was scared shitless. I hadn't saved any money. My gut impulse arose out of nowhere and I wanted, no, NEEDED out, NOW. I had enough to keep me alive for one month, maybe a month and a half at best. I hadn't started reaching out to other companies. I was quitting, cold turkey.

How would I explain this gap in my resume? I knew it was a lot harder to find employment after quitting than securing a job somewhere else before quitting. And this job was the only thing that was "going well" in my life. Every fashion week I could barely walk a few steps without being photographed- people had started to know my name. However, that time in my life was also when my mother had just found out she had cancer and my relationship with my boyfriend at Yale law was going to shit.. what would I be if I added unemployed to the list?

A loser.

But my soul revolted. It accepted the possibility of being a loser with strength, training me to let go of notions of judgment. I had to do what was best for me, separate from what society, friends and family thought "should" be best for me. I'd learn this lesson time and time again.

That day was the day I hit rock bottom, but my spirit soared. I was free.

The next day I walked to lunch in the middle of the day with nowhere I needed to rush back to. I felt such trepidation- did I have no purpose? What was I doing with my time? What was this life absent of structure and why did it seem so wrong? Why did eating lunch untethered to my desk and emails feel strange? I was taught to be busy to the brink of exhaustion all my life because only then did I feel that I was amounting to something. To have a sense of peace, to enjoy the present moment was alien. I must be doing something wrong... right?

It took a while for me to create my own structure from nothing. It was time to re evaluate the foundation. Things were hard for many years as I struggled, but I never went back nor did I accept defeat. I accepted failure, but failure did not defeat me.

I then broke up with my boyfriend and felt the true liberation of cutting ties with someone who drained me, who, like all other things in my life up to that point, represented "should". 

The phoenix knows when it's time to set itself on fire so that it can rise again.

Even when it isn't broken, you might have to rework it in order to move forward.

The end goal is always to return to where we came. Beyond life and death, it is returning to infancy. When we are born, we are free. We lose this sense of presence and purity as we grow, as we become shackled by outrageous demands and brain washing, when we learn to judge ourselves and others for what we/they have and how they seem.

It's time to return home.

“There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely-or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.” - Oscar Wilde

 

 

Jenner

I know- what the fuck am I doing writing about Kylie Jenner- I am so not a pop culture person

But actually I am- I am fascinated by it from a macro level because it is the NOW. It says a lot about our collective psyches and where we are headed- we are one, and ALL.

SO Kylie- I know it's the fucking meritocracy and I know it's a a moment of embracing technology but listen.. Kylie Jenner is a toxic role model. I spent a lot of time in my MA investigating cultural and theoretical notions of Beauty across the world and I would love to share this with you one day as it was my favorite (and most applicable) research. When people like Kylie are heralded as an icon, a role model, this creates problems because she is embodying NEGATIVE BODY IMAGE.

This is a girl who hated herself so much that she went and changed everything about herself- face, body, what have you. I am not against plastic surgery in any way- as I mentioned before this is a time of meritocracy and harnessing the technology that is available to us and Beauty is a major advantage. But let's distill- Kylie's message is: if you don't like your body and face, change everything. This is a total negation of body positivity and embracing "flaws" and in fact, what we should be doing is not telling people they should love themselves how they are, but erase the larger systems that dictate what are flaws and what aren't. This is what an empowering role-model would look like: Kylie declaring, yes I was taught by the people around me (entertainment industry) including my family that what I look like is not enough- but I AM enough and I am more beautiful than they are.

When did negativity become cool? Think about this-

When you see a person like Kylie who is not even 20 and she has millions of followers and likes telling her how gorgeous she is, this for her then reaffirms the negativity, the self-hatred. She may be more empowered now in our sick society because of her surgeries but this fuels her plastic surgery addiction as there is a direct correlation between how much she gets done and how successful/praised she is.

There is a difference between enhancement, self-improvement, and total self-destruction and self-rejection. Do you see what I'm saying?

It is also important to know that spirituality has a lot to do with perceptions of beauty. By becoming spiritual, your life force flows and makes you more beautiful- erases your wrinkles, plumps your lips, gives you a sparkle in your eye- I'm not kidding. You know that beautiful, powerful glow that people with healthy lifestyles and high levels of spirituality have? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. That can be yours without self-rejection. When you self-reject, you deplete. You allocate more energy to that negativity every single day. You literally and figuratively, cut a part of yourself off.

Do not disassemble- move towards embodiment. We are moving from parts to the whole.

WHOLE = HAPPY

The Color Orange

I've been paying a lot of attention to the sacral chakra recently- if you've noticed in my writings.

When I was about 3/4, I first moved to America. One of the things my mom noticed which was quite bizarre was my sudden distaste for oranges. I hated everything associated with oranges- including the color, the smell of oranges. No one could figure out why including myself- it is told me to time and time again that I absolutely LOVED oranges when I was a toddler in China. This hatred for Orange continued my entire life. I vividly remember my mother trying to force me to drink orange juice as a kid, and me wanting to vomit. This remained of the greatest mysteries of my life- no one could remember any traumas associated with oranges that could have turned me off of them for life.

Things start to make sense at a certain point when you develop the sensitivity and the expansion, the capacity and the strength to pursue your self-actualization. There are pieces of information we are all missing in relation to ourselves. The way our society is now shuts our self-development DOWN and some of us will never realize the messages nor connect the dots. 

When I left China, I left my real home. I left the people I loved, who raised me for a foreign place where I felt isolated, disconnected, abandoned. I never processed this as a child- my mother told me that I put on a brave face and decided I would go to America and never looked back. I didn't cry. But the pain was there- it manifested in horrific stomach pains and problems with digestion for a long time in my childhood- why? This area is governed by the sacral chakra, which is ORANGE.

The sacral chakra governs all the emotions connected to childhood. I never processed this, and truly felt scared- you can imagine how much sadness and grief and loss a little girl would feel after making such a big move and losing all of your loved ones. This process literally SHUT DOWN my sacral chakra (which continues to be my weakest chakra) and exposure to the color orange, the fruit orange (fruits and colors trigger the vibrations in the chakra) would have forced me to process what was there. As a child I could not handle it.

As of late, as my intuition and spiritual connection has blossomed, I've noticed that unknowingly, I'll grab things that are orange- it is subconscious. I now am in a healing stage where my actions are signs as to what needs work. The sacral chakra works in conjunction with the third eye chakra which for me is very developed. Together, they activate more creativity. As this has gotten stronger, I've noticed that I gravitate towards yellow things- this was my second weakest chakra- the solar plexus chakra. In my aura reading yesterday, it was the only color missing.. 

Force, Fear and Flow- Fuck!

A lot of the difficulties I faced embracing being a dominatrix was due in part to protecting my father. He is very well known in his circles and especially in China because he is a protege of a man who won a Field's medal and is renowned for work he did with a very famous physicist- yes that one. I remember being little and circulating amongst Confucius' descendants and renowned intellectuals in China and in the states (people who have led to our current definitions of time and space). I understood since I was young seeing the way people treated us with deference in China that he is a celebrity. I knew that because of how conservative his field is, if it came out what I did, it would taint his image and disrupt the family. My dad got his PhD at Harvard against all odds- not only did he fail his exams, he didn't even apply and not only that but all seats were already filled that year. He came from literally nothing at a time when culture was demolished and immigration was difficult. I detail more of his history in my chapters I've published on Amazon. From afar, I am very fascinated by him- he is a key example of when someone has a destiny, it finds them despite all odds.

My parents had only, at least to my knowledge, slept with each other. They were as traditional as traditional can get. I've imagined what the conversation would be like if I were to ever tell them I am what I am, and I love what I do. Even my imagination can't go that far.

Was I afraid to be who I am? Of course. I was scared for my life. My mother and I struggled a lot because I was so different from her. I always was a rebel and the more she forced her opinions on me the more I went the opposite direction. Well here I am now. A lot of our struggles were her telling me I wasn't open minded because I wouldn't do what she wanted of me. Well, I think I am pretty open minded.

Being me meant there was a lot at stake and I suffered for years, unable to sleep at night, stewing in paranoia and anxiety. What if my parents saw my photos? What if my more conservative friends found out? I really tried several times to be "normal"- carry out a 9-5 (more like 10) in fashion- my interest in obtaining a phD was in part because I saw this as my last chance to be "normal" and make my mother and father happy. I even at one point in time, considered a post-bac in pre-med and I got into Columbia. Alas, that was not my destiny.

The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt them. And that fear ate away at my core. When I was working at a dungeon I was so ashamed of myself at times that I couldn't even make eye contact with the barista. But that was the old me, the one who cared what people thought, the one too in touch with ideas of "prestige", acceptability- the one who didn't prioritize my own happiness and well being, and the one who let fear rule my life. I started to realize that by protecting them, I wasn't doing anyone a favor. I definitely wasn't doing myself a favor- I lived in a half existence where I was afraid to put my heart into something I loved. I was in some ways, lying to them and I was keeping people who should not have been in my life, in my life. My intention was pure, but it is still not kind to lie. We were all in limbo, the liminality between truth and deceit, and it was my fault.

The more afraid I feel of something, the more I'll do it now. I do not allow it to dictate what I do and don't do and to be quite honest, as of late I live in a complete state of fearlessness. I remember being young and being obsessed with a book series about a girl who was born without the fear gene. She was superhuman- I wondered what life could be like so fearless, but without being a sociopath. Well, I am there now, and I am still human and my heart is still pure. If you are stuck and can't approach this state, re-evaluate your priorities and what you think you need to survive. Simplify. The things we truly need are plentiful. Humans are meant to be more self-sufficient than any other species. We don't have opposable thumbs and high intelligence for nothing. Fear is of course adaptive- we need it in certain life/death situations, but the perpetual state I'm discussing here is not natural, it is conditioned. It is ego  

Fear is one of the lowest vibrations we can have and it is the one that we are all taught to live in. The media teaches us to be fearful all the time. Our cultural programming also teaches us that we need to struggle and feel pain and anxiety on a regular basis. But WHY should we really be afraid? Of anything? Examine the roots of your fears and it will reveal itself to be nothing. The biggest looming fear is of course of death- but that is inevitable. Why should we be afraid of a natural life cycle? When did we learn this? Why are we so attached to a material existence that means nothing in the end?

We lose the will to learn because our schools teach us that learning comes with dread, boredom, stress and losing sleep. We think we learn best cramming, not sleeping for a week. We stop going for foods, people, places and our real interests, ones that fuel us, because we are taught to look for the opposite. We learn to only want what we can't have (Again- because we're led by LACK), the things that are actually wrong for us. We go for people who treat us badly, or those who play games because we believe this is how things go. We think narcissism is confidence and dismiss real security which reads rather subtle. We believe in people who trick us because the larger system tricks us day to day. We do not understand real value of life, people and things anymore. Value becomes calories and price tags- those are arbitrary, relative, and some would argue calories are not even accurate.

Life should feel as a flow- things that naturally come to us and we experience a synergy with, are the things that should be. But we replace ideas of power with ideas of force. Forcing something, making it work when it isn't supposed to, is not real power. Our structures of being are so flip flopped it's ridiculous. The highest value person and situation is one that does not play games because it is/they are assured of their own value. But somewhere, somehow, we learned to disregard this and instead, go for low energy games with people who do not treat us with respect. What do our circumstances and people around us reflect? How we allow others to treat us, and essentially, how we treat ourselves.

Really think about you as an entity. What is your higher purpose? Do you have one? And what patterns and psychodramas are you still fulfilling, to prevent yourself from claiming who you really are? Why default to force, when you can flow?

I feel bliss. I feel light. This was the life I never thought I could ever have, because I did not believe it was true. Therefore, I could not see it was an option even if it was right in front of me. We choose our struggles, we truly do.

This is my declaration that I am not afraid. My face is unblurred- my life story and my heart are out in the open. I understand the risks well, and I say FUCK IT  

 

 

2010

In 2010 I told my mom the diagnosis from the various doctors I had to keep seeing because the PTSD was getting out of control. I had 5 or even more, panic attacks per day. 

I believe that the human body and mind stores traumas and takes many years to process them depending on our own healing capacity and speed. In 2010 I'd already left home for several years and that's when the history of my traumas rose to the surface. If I had to continually deal with the abuse, my body and mind would have stored it up so I could keep fighting. At this point in my life not only was I dying in my own body every day, but I had so much self-hatred because of all the messages I internalized from them every day. It never occurred to them to recognize these very obvious signs and understand their own culpability or how to help me instead of turning it around so that I had to support them emotionally while I was suffering.

This was the only time she ever acknowledged the abuse and apologized for what she knows, deep down, was her failure as a mother. The job of a parent is to protect and raise a child. To violators who not only don't do that, but go against it and hurt their own, there is wrath.

Her conditions have had many chapters. The first was the throat, which I've detailed previously. The second was a brain aneurism during which her heart stopped for 10 minutes. The third which baffled many doctors (and the best in the US) endlessly was her chronic blood infection. It all mostly happened in her higher chakras- there was a bad blockage because she was not a reflective, self-aware person. Instead of introspecting she blunted. This caused a disruption in her connectedness to her self, and to her life.

Do you know the metaphysical meaning of these diseases? Blood is our history. Is our life force. By denying the truth, the reality and distorting it, she is polluting her own blood lines/history. She is attempting to rewrite the history as she and my father were amazing parents and people, and I was the problem.. The brain is connected to our higher chakras (crown and brow). She dismissed her intuition, she never had a maternal instinct, and she was not at all spiritual. Even after 3 close to death encounters she continues to deny, gaslight and deflect her own responsibility. Each time I went back to take care of her and the family, she became needier and reverted to a childlike behavior. Part of me felt an instinct to ignore her and dismiss her needs as much as she did to me when I was actually a child (partly out of retribution and because she is a fully functioning adult)- but I overrode it out of compassion and continued to cater to her neediness. Even when I'm not home she likes to have me on call so that I can help her when she doesn't know how to parent my little brothers. 

This was all way before she got sick too. Not to mention she turns every moment into attention getting by revisiting how she almost died. It becomes used as a tool for entertainment and manipulation (aka: your mother almost died- don't dare disobey her!), not as a pathway to potential growth and healing. She revisits how much blood was on the floor straight to the faces of her children who are shaking and anxious, because these stories are re-traumatizing, because they were the ones who discovered her like that before calling 911. She likes knowing that she can get a strong reaction out of us, that’s why she withheld the info from us that one of her doctors told her she wouldn’t have long to live- only to reveal when we were all too stressed.

She had a smirk on her face.

The moment when we see our parents are people, and not just people, but deeply flawed people is the most disappointing and relieving thing. She always wanted to make me seem weak so in comparison she could be the strong one, and I believed it for a long time because who grows up thinking their parents are wrong? Intuitively knowing they’re wrong is a different thing. I am done coddling her ego and pretending that she was a great mother when she even, deep in her heart, knows the truth (and continues to fail me as a mother all these years- you would think someone who has been through this much and has been forced to connect to the divine/life/death cycle would come to an awakening and understand the error of their ways- but alas, it does not happen for everyone. All the buddha statues in her house aren't helping). 

And now I also understand that as a healer, my parents (especially my mother) fed off my energy and that is why after I left home, she got sick. And that is why subconsciously she tries to manipulate me to go back home as much as possible. She needs a feeding.

The email before this one she admitted my father was bipolar.