Consciousness

Means confronting yourself first and foremost. There's a reason why most of our intentions are hidden in our subconscious- it's a protective mechanism. Our minds, our egos don't want those intentions or truths to be known or else it could serve to be much too traumatizing for us.

We'd like to operate under the guise of congruence when we really aren't living in alignment. We'd like to think we're good people, meanwhile our subconscious hides all the memories of us when we were manipulative or exploitative. We'd like to think that we're victims when really, we've made choices to keep ourselves in victimhood because it's easier than owning up to our responsibilities.

Consciousness means a genuine commitment to facing the hard truths about ourselves- to bring them to light so that we can then integrate these "dark" truths into our being so we are no longer at their mercy. Consciousness is the road to self-mastery because only in enlightenment does someone have full control over every aspect of themselves- that is why enlightenment is so elusive. 

There are some days that facing the truth about myself and my past make it difficult to get out of bed. When feeling the shame, pain and fear release would rather make me want to stuff it away and self-soothe. But that is the path we all take- it is part of being human. As human you are flawed, you are living in darkness, until you consciously commit to moving towards the light.

Truth: We Cannot Be Perfect People

ALL of us are guilty of this- we have a set standard to which we strive to be. To function, we need to have this. This is the amalgamation of what others have deemed appropriate. To put it simply, this is the ego.

The EGO has a standard of perfection. Even if you aren't a perfectionist, you can still define perfection. The key is recognizing that even though EVERYONE CAN define perfection, everyone defines perfection differently. 

So even if you live by your own version of perfection, most others will not see you as such. What is perfection? It is pure ILLUSION. If you live in your own illusion of perfection, you feel impenetrable. You're living life the right way. You must be- WRONG. 

When we examine what it is that we believe is perfect and how we adhere to it, we can easily let go of it. These are restrictive patterns that we must let go of. Instead, we need to establish VALUES. Instead of perfection centered living, we become value centered. Instead of judging ourselves and others for upholding perfectionistic ideals, we sort them into our values to have a deeper understanding of how they function. We don't look at the surface anymore, we look deeper at the truth. If someone is in their own truth and it violates our own, we no longer need to share space with that person. It's always a choice, but we need to respect other people's truths and hold them accountable to such living. That is the only standard.

Dropping Fear

I used to be so fearful. When I worked in a dungeon I could barely go outside sometimes for fear that someone had seen my photos online. I imagined that everyone was judging me and so I clung to my "other" life at the time, the socially acceptable one, the "student".

For years I felt this shame and fear of exposure. I kept the sides carefully segregated- no one in my vanilla life knew what I did because I feared rejection. Really, it was my own self-rejection I was afraid of. I think we can all understand the impulse to overcompensate when there's something that we don't like about ourselves, or want to hide.

And one day, I stopped caring when I realized that the structures that I was taught (i.e. don't tell anyone your real name) were rooted in fear. No one shared anything personal about themselves purely because they were afraid. Many of these people hoped to one day abandon their "shadow work" and go into the vanilla world, so I understand this fear of disclosure. I had thought that the only way to be acceptable would one day leave this behind and call it a phase. I was in denial that this was a true part of me. 

It wasn't until I decided to drop the fear to be myself did I start meeting people who were like me, who had stuck with this profession for the long haul out of love. They had normal, wonderful, open lives. And I saw my scope expand. I could be myself, without sacrifice, and by putting myself honestly, and openly, out there, I would attract just the right people who would encourage me along my path. Otherwise, by living a lie, I would do nothing except attract dishonesty, or people who would have a problem with who I was inside.

Of course I still struggled. I kept both sides of me down in order to not expose one another, in case it would upset someone. And in the end, I feel the fear slowly slipping away even more. Without knowing how much fear I had within me, it's something I can only identify in retrospect. There's so much change happening on an unconscious level once we set out to change that's gradual, but the days add up and we will never be where we once were even if we go two steps forward and one step back.

Now I'm ready to be public. I don't care if my identities blur. This is me, and it's alright if the world knows who I am. And you will see just how much potential for liberation is in you, too.

We deserve to be happy. It is a basic human right.