Losing a Sense of Self Vs. Surrendering

I feel that the apprehension towards D/s relationships wherever it is on the spectrum of sub ---- slave, one session vs. long time total power exchange is the sense of losing control, of losing a sense of self. Being fully CONSUMED may be somewhat dangerous, provocative, seductive and very Freudian basic psychology (i.e. the son fears being subsumed into the Mother so he distances himself from her and this plays out in later relationships with women, fearing that type of attachment) all in all, something that's wired at a primal attachment level- we needed the umbilical cord to survive, but we don't want it to be able to be agentic individuals.

My concern with this notion is that it erases the nuances of what surrendering is, and the roles that unhealthy and healthy attachment play within it.

Like with many religions, cults, institutions, the goal is to DISCONNECT your mind, spirit and body. It's to usher in a type of control energy that literally makes it so you are operating within someone else's agenda- hence brain washing. These unhealthy forces are tricky, they operate on hidden agendas and exploit our basic need to belong. As human beings we are wired to want community, to want attachment so much that it overrides our discernment for healthy and unhealthy attachments sometimes.

In traditional D/s relationships, this can indeed happen. When a slave, wanting to connect at a deep deep level to someone, to belong, to experience that "umbilical cord" again (which is perfectly normal, who wouldn't want that feeling of safety and security provided in the womb? Who doesn't have inner child fixations?) gives up his total agency in exchange for the above as well as nurture, guidance and validation, this type of letting go can be DANGEROUS.

Why? Well, if you're giving up everything, you're giving up your intuition and sense of self to someone else. You are in essence, disconnected from self in whichever way, mind/body, body/spirit. You're literally running a program that disempowers you and can enable a spiral effect much like drugs. This in turn exploits our human behavior of addiction- we are all taught to be ruled by addiction from an early age as soon as we learn to become dependent on sweets, unhealthy fats.

Herein lies the key: learning what is judgment and what is discernment, and discernment will be the most useful tool you have in your spiritual journey of embodiment. Firstly, what I mean by spiritual journey of embodiment is the fact that we cannot just pursue our spirits, we need to remain grounded and balance earthly matters with our spiritual path- that's part of the path. Our true power can only be accessed when we are "home to answer the door" so to speak.

Secondly, judgment is invalidating. Judgment lowers our vibration whereas discernment is knowing the self and knowing whether something will work for you. For example, saying "I will hate that movie the actor is terrible and I find him annoying" is a judgment whereas, "I know from my previous experiences that the actor does not resonate with me therefore I do not wish to see this movie" is a discernment. It is trusting yourself to not put yourself in situations or engage with individuals that may impact you negatively.

The positive mind movement can make this difficult- to be spiritual is NOT to be positive and bubbly all the time, that is unrealistic and ignoring a very essential part of our lives- that there are negative aspects. This is the same as denying the shadow self and only focusing on one part of you, the good samaritan. Well guess what, the darker aspects are still there and get darker and darker, ruling you unconsciously if you do not also factor it in. I.e. "Yes I am a kind person but I also can be frustrated and the niceness is not necessarily kindness, it's me suppressing the frustration"

Exercise your discernment when choosing the proper Mistress or partner for this type of total surrender role play and carefully distinguish within what surrender really means and if this aligns with what your Mistress/partner considers it.

For instance, my idea of surrender is one where the self is included. To surrender is a choice to let go in that moment, you may be in a different space than you usually are, a meditative one, but your mind body spirit are connected. Recognize that is a choice you are making because you have cornerstones in place: TRUST and RESPECT. By default you cannot trust or respect someone which your intuition is telling you not to, so never surrender to them either.

My version of surrender mean that you grow more in tune with yourself and your own higher guidance. I act as a guide but I am not God with the powers to fix you or do the work for you. As a society we are addicted to quick fixes and that can often generalize towards people. No one can fix you. Only you can.

Letting go in a spiritual sense means trusting the universe's plan and going with the flow. It means not creating resistance, it means following where you're led but also knowing along the way that you have FULL agency to choose to go that way, or another way. The prerequisite however counterintuitive, to true surrender is a true sense of control. Otherwise you run the risk of giving your control to someone else much like giving up your car key for someone else to drive you home not knowing if they even know the way, if they're even sober etc.. You put your life at risk. To have a sense of control means evaluating the driver, knowing he/she/they is a trusted friend, knowing that they know the way, perhaps even navigating the car for them before handing the key over. You buckle your seatbelt yourself, and don't expect them to do it for you. Then you can rest assured that you will get home safely and that safety leads to you being able to relax more into the experience and not hypervigilantly worrying the whole way home. It means, outside of this analogy, not playing power/control games. Those only happen when we unconsciously don't want to give up control because we fear feeling out of control.