Two years ago I remember a psychic coming up to me on the street. She said, "You're stepping into your life purpose. It has to do with the color red,"
I looked so confused, I'm sure. It was meaningless, as I had just lost everything I was clinging onto. I wanted my purpose to be a professor (but only limited to a few high tier schools) because quite honestly, that would've been validating to my ego and would've upheld my family's unrealistic expectations of "success", but that road was paved with obstacles I hadn't foreseen. The only thing I "had" was something I wasn't fully committing to because of the shame, the stigma, the internal devastation and conflicts-- domming. It was the only thing that was always "there" for me, anchoring me in something true that I tried to run away from. I wasn't ready for truth.
My mother was dying. I felt so incredibly lost. I had no sense of who I was, and at every turn I felt like I was trying to "find" myself in a world that's constantly changing. It's impossible. My reality especially my internal reality was imploding. I was always held in esteem by my peers, lauded for my successes, used as a shining example, and here I was in the middle of my worst nightmare: absolute, abject failure.
The concept of a healer wasn't ever on my periphery. I knew I was different than most people, but I never knew in what ways besides being weirdly intuitive and empathic. I guess I tried my hand at so many different things, and although I was "good" at all of them and could've done them, I would've felt like I was pretending and my heart would only be slightly invested. I couldn't live a life like that, that much I knew.
My whole world had to fall apart. I had to have all opportunities taken from me to FINALLY see MY path. And I had to turn within to get to know who I really was-- I had to explore the extrasensory self, the empathic self, the kinky self. All parts I hadn't unwrapped for fear of being alienated, rejected, for fear of SELF-LOVE because I was taught that was wrong. To appreciate, understand and validate the self felt like a betrayal, because I was supposed to only occupy what I "should" be, and because "should" is in opposition to pure being, it's not allowed because it would hinder "progress"
And then I found it. I found my ability to heal and I realized how deep it went. I realized how connected it was to my heart and my breath and my reason for being alive. I felt the power, the energy, that came with accepting that truth. I realized even when I was little I'd been doing some form of it for everyone I encountered without ever knowing. Then I found the one key to healing: to heal yourself first. People can always sense when you chronically take care of others because you're avoiding something within- and covering it up with "successes" of the people you're "helping", moreso, distracting yourself with, and people can sense who's done their real brutal work and can therefore really truly heal others too. Something changed in me, but the change was more a shift into present-ness, into self-hood. I'm not scattered, I'm not lost, I'm just me.
This is a time I can say that everything I went through the past few years, and man, it was the shittiest time of my entire life, amounted to something. That if none of that had happened, which at times when I was going through the thick and thin of it all, I wished was the case, then I wouldn't have "become". The worst things happen to us to push us into places inside of us, and outside of us that are unbearably uncomfortable. But that's when I realize our potential, we open our minds and we examine what versions we locked ourselves into for "success" and how that contradicts happiness. We then are set free to find our happiness.