Today was the first day that I felt grateful for this grieving process. No one wants to grieve and most days recently I've wanted so badly for it to go away. It is frustrating to wake up facing anxiety, depression and bouts of anger and sadness that appear at random. It is frustrating to have these tension headaches, to feel so fatigued I can't move, and to feel like my heart and back are caving in on themselves.
But I realized, it gets tough only because it's signifying that I'm moving forward. Things only get hard because they are a challenge, preparing us for the next level. Once I am able to get myself through this, I really will have expanded in consciousness and appreciation for life.
When we grieve, naturally our hearts close. It's self-protection, like a barricade that not only keeps the pain in, but other people out. It's like our hearts can't handle more. But if we try hard to open our hearts and love ourselves, nothing is insurmountable.
I met a girl in kundalini yoga who said to me that she developed her daily practice, and then her balance and joy because she had to. When life got so hard for her she couldn't handle it anymore, she turned to developing her daily practice. And now she's radiant, centered, full of love. If not for trials, we wouldn't find solutions.
And it really resonated that when it comes to making sense of how we feel about people who have hurt us, that it's not about just noticing the good they did and forgetting the bad, nor is it about only remembering the bad. It is about reaching a place of neutrality where we can not just thank them for the good they did, but for their shit too. Because if not for their shit, we wouldn't be who we are. And then I realized that the missing ingredient in this formula was my appreciation and love for myself. I forget sometimes to love myself. And if we do love ourselves, then we can appreciate other people for what they've done to contribute to us being who we are now.