From The Time I Was A Toddler

One of my favorite past times was forcing my dad to wear make up. Sometimes I waited for him to fall asleep and would deck him out in my mom's jewelry and give him a make over. There are photos documenting this from the time I was 3. Among those are photos of me ordering him around as a maid and riding his back and pretending he was a dog/horse or whatever it was I pretended I was riding then. Little me, pointing in the direction we would go. I remember trying to spank him sometimes when he wasn't looking to "punish" him. 

Although there are no photos of me doing this before I was 3, I did. Everyone in China used to joke that I would "torture" my grandparents- mostly my grandpa. I used to jump on his belly and call it a trampoline. Everyone knew me as a mischievous, playful little toddler. I remember as a little kid playing with my uncle and wrestling him, getting him down on the ground and sitting on top of his belly to declare myself the winner. At the time I didn't know what I was doing was "wrong" in any way, and I suppose it still isn't, but back then my family told me to stop what I was doing.

What I'm expressing here through my domming is a piece of authentic me. This was in me before I even knew who I was. I knew back then before I knew who I would be, that I loved to dress men up in women's clothes, put makeup on them, order them around, trample them and take a seat on top of them to show my superiority. I loved to play with men, not toy with them, but to play with them. I always understood men were not objects- there was always an underlying respect and synergy. I adored the men that I played with. If I didn't try to play with someone, it was because I didn't like them enough.

Every relationship I've EVER had has had some component of humiliation attached and at one point or another, me dressing them up in my clothes. There were elements of tease and denial before I even knew what it was or how to orchestrate it. Every SINGLE one had a power play and an element of control attached. I didn't understand what I was doing then and criticized myself for having these impulses emerge in the relationship. Was there something wrong with me? Surely this wasn't "normal" right? And as I've sought that answer over many years, I've arrived at the profound truth: NO there is not. Yes this is perfectly normal.

However, I noticed that as I became a domme, my relationships (I haven't had a serious one since becoming a domme, but my fleeting ones) did NOT have a power dynamic in them anymore. I had no need to exercise control or humiliate anyone because I had an outlet. And most importantly, that outlet came with consent. It came with mutual enjoyment and finding counterparts that could play with me and enjoy it just as much as I did.

I am thankful. For knowing who I really am. For being able to express it. For finding others who find joy in it too without shame. I love that there are people who think for themselves and don't believe in small minded constructs. Because when you live by programming, you are ignorant.