Over lunch yesterday my friend mentioned something about her boyfriend's increasing dependency on her. She used the term "submissive" as a pejorative to describe his behavior.
I corrected her immediately. I said: "no, he's a dependent person, not a submissive person. Understand that the two have been linked and that is wrong,"
She didn't know and it wasn't her fault- as a collective somehow the word submissive was linked with weakness, dependency, all traits counter to strength. As a submissive you can surely be both of those things, but they are not necessarily linked. Submissive and dominant are identities much like man and woman that were inherently pure and equal- but throughout history, just like man and woman, the duality has become imbalanced and then screwed over yet again with the stigmas that came with BDSM and "sex work"
I see the best types of D/s relationships as two parties who counterbalance one another which then creates balance within themselves. In our lives we all have moments of dominance and submission- I know that my need for dominance comes from a life time of being socialized as an Asian woman- the expectation is I must be submissive, probably MOST submissive. The expectation from individuals for me to act "appropriately" is always there even if it's unconscious. I know that all of my subs are leaders who, under their burdens of socialized responsibility, need an outlet to let it all go. Do you see the two layers of balance this creates? What is balance? WHOLENESS. HAPPINESS. FULFILLMENT. PEACE. HEALTH.
Just like any relationship, the healthiest D/s is one in which both parties feel a good exchange of energy and can proceed with their own lives which are made better with one another in it. You become more productive in your day to day because you know you have outlets to express your full self. It does not mean one is more dependent on the other or that one inherently needs to be "needy"- it is always, and should always, remain an interaction of identities that coalesce. They do need one another to activate- but so do many things biologically like an ovary needs sperm.
IT IS NATURAL.
I understand that many of you have some sort of unconscious or conscious fear of relationships. Whether that be because of what you have been taught about them, a trauma with one, or because you were never taught how to love, or because you expect rejection because there's a part of you not quite comfortable with yourself.
I get many submissive who want to submit but are afraid because they think submission comes with something else- with exploitation, or with no redemption- I'm not really sure- but unlink it from pure submission and understand this may just be a fear of commitment that can generalize to any relationship. Submissive and dominant relationships are not any different structurally than a healthy functioning relationship the dynamics are just more complex but we each play out subtle dynamic even in vanilla relationships. It is always a give and take- a counterbalance- someone comes to compensate for another and vice versa- energy has this counterbalance woven in too- chakras either become blocked or overactive if your partner has underdeveloped or overdeveloped ones. Because why? It is an interaction, fundamentally, it is CHEMISTRY.
Just like in any relationship you may pick someone exploitative, someone who damages you- that's you isn't it? There are always good people and bad people and you're the one choosing so what type of psychodrama is it playing out for you? Examine the root of the belief that makes you choose hurtful harmful relationships. You are equally in control of choosing who to submit to (but should they take you is another question!) and just like all other relationships, there are good dom/mes and bad dom/mes.
Do not play the victim.
SUBMISSIVE MEN IT IS TIME TO RECLAIM THE IDENTITY AND SHOW THAT IT IS A POWERFUL STATE OF BEING. EDUCATE OTHERS ON THE TERMINOLOGY- SHOW THEM IT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING NEGATIVE. EVERYONE HAS A SUBMISSIVE SIDE. THOSE WHO DENY THIS ARE SCARILY NOT IN TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES- THEY ARE FRAGILE. THEY WILL BREAK ONE DAY.